Monday, August 07, 2006

To an Imperfect Life!

WARNING! CONSPIRACY! The dental health profession has a goal of world conquest!

. . . or at least that’s how it seems around here lately . . .

Somehow dental care has reached critical mass similar to a black hole. That, combined with the number of people in this home (including 2 in braces), has produced a gravitational pull so strong that nothing, not even light, can escape it!

Pre-conspiracy dental care meant making an appointment 6 months (or less!) in advance for a biannual cleaning and orthodontists who said, “Let’s not put braces on your bottom teeth. Nobody sees them anyway.”

Not so now! Scheduling cleanings has gone from 6 months in advance - to a year in advance - to a year and a half in advance! A YEAR AND A HALF IN ADVANCE?! I've never scheduled ANYTHING a year and a half in advance!

With braces, a cleaning is really THREE appointments, not one: 1.orthodontist: wires off, 2. hygienist: cleaning, 3. orthodontist: wires on (multiply this by two and add the fact that one child needs cleanings 4 times a year instead of twice and that the offices are across town from each other and the half hour drive back to school and . . .). My children never miss school due to illness or vacation, but dental care ensures they will never earn the perfect attendance award. And so far I’m only talking about cleanings!

Orthodontia – where to begin?! Often there are MULTIPLE appointments in a single week, but the time inconvenience pales in comparison to the contraptions in my sons’ mouths, devices which would make even the Marquis de Sade shudder! I’ll limit myself to naming only ONE piece of this complicated apparatus: the “spike strip.” (Isn’t that what they use to shred tires in police pursuits?)

It seems EVERY teen I see has or has had braces. Are ALL OF US really born with mouths that are THAT messed up? Did the Creator blow it THAT badly on this one piece of our anatomy? Is this medically necessary, or is it a conspiracy, all of us having been collectively brainwashed that a perfect smile is de rigueur?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m tremendously grateful for excellent dental care. I certainly don’t want my children developing painful issues such as TMJ syndrome or needing false teeth. I’m simply scared of what this unprecedented time-sucking vacuum portends. My fear is that at the heart of this exists some phenomenal top-secret PR firm. If so, I tremble at the prospect of other health professionals - chiropractors, podiatrists, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc. getting the secret phone number. If TEETH have become THIS important, what about the SPINE, the FEET (foundations of the body), or the BRAIN?! I’ll leave it to you to imagine the implications.

Life is short, and as nice as it is to be as perfect as possible, I’d rather spend what precious little time I’m allotted on this planet LIVING rather than slavishly following my appointment book and losing my minutes and hours and days to transportation, waiting rooms, and appointments.

Down with the conspiracy! Give me my time! Let me and my family live life imperfect to the fullest!

Today is Monday, August 7, 2006 . . . and do I know whether “morning” or “afternoon” would be "better" on Thursday, March 6, 2008?


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